


This Isn't Goodbye

by Billxbesitztxmeinxherz



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:52:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1751816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Billxbesitztxmeinxherz/pseuds/Billxbesitztxmeinxherz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris is leaving EXO and there is nothing that Tao can do about it. Tao has always been there for Kris and only Tao truly understands the demons haunting his closest friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Isn't Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this. I am deeply upset right now, beyond words when it comes to verbally expressing myself, so all I can do to vent is to write. The future is undetermined right now and all I can ask is that we all pray for Kris’s happiness whatever he may decide. I’m writing this for me.

It’s late and yet a lone figure sits hunched looking out a window.

 

Tao’s bare feet pad softly across the wood floor before he stops just short of the figure sitting in silence in the darkness. The figure makes no move if the person had heard Tao’s approach but sighs heavily instead. Tao bits his lip. He knows that sound.

 

“Kris?” Tao asks softly, voice even as Tao makes sure to keep it from sounding like a whine. His voice has a tendency to do that at times.

 

The figure in the chair gives no response again and now it is Tao’s turn to sigh. Back in their shared room sit several packed bags, as one side of the room stands vacant. The young man maneuvers around to the other and drops to his knees before the figure.

 

“Kris.” Tao says, tears pricking his own eyes as he takes in his companion’s face. “Are you in the dark place?”

 

Kris sits there, face seemingly void of emotion as it usually was, if not for the telltale shimmer to his eyes. The man’s jaw is set, mouth pulled into a slight frown, brow pinched, eyes looking ahead but not seeing. Tao takes a moment to take the expression in but it only serves to sadden him more. Kris looks old, given that there was an age difference between the two, but it’s a different kind of old. Kris looks worn out, aged from stress and constantly worrying, Kris looks like hell. The man’s skin is dry and littered with acne from being caked with foundation everyday despite his protests. His hair is fried, split ends falling in a messy nest around his ears, from constantly being dyed. Kris lets a small noise, it’s a strangled sound in a feeble attempt to communicate his current mood state, but Tao is already wrapping his arms around Kris’s head. Tao stands there, arms firmly cradling Kris’s head, as he feels the man’s shoulders tremble.

 

“Shh.” Tao says, smiling through his own tears as a sob escapes past Kris’s lips. The dark haired man is instantly clamping his lips shut, embarrassed at hearing himself make such unmanly noises and clear indications of weakness.

 

“No Kris. Let it out. Don’t hold it in, please.” Tao begs, raking his right hand through Kris’s dark locks again and again in a means to soothe. “Let it all out. I’m here for you.”

 

“F-fuck.” Is Kris’s shaky response and he wrapping his arms tightly around Tao’s waist and hugging the other like his life depends on it. Kris buries his face into Tao’s stomach and begins to sob. The man’s cries, while muffled, are loud and ugly sounding. They are sounds of anger, sounds that convey feeling lost, sounds that echo extreme desperation to escape from a darkness that will not be shoved down no matter how hard Kris tries.

 

“It’s okay. I’m here.” Tao closes his eyes for a moment and wills himself to stop crying. His tears slow and Tao hugs Kris tighter. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy but its hurts so much. Tao didn’t know it would feel like this.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kris manages, face still hidden in Tao’s nightshirt. “I’m so sorry Tao.”

 

“It’s not your fault.” Tao says when Kris inhales sharply.

 

“I’m screwing you all over.” Kris mumbles, “I’m being selfish. I’m only thinking of me but I can’t help it.”

 

“Kris, stop.” Tao detaches himself from the other and wedges himself into the armchair with the other. The younger takes the elder’s face in his hands, cupping it gently and stroking the tears away with his thumbs, and he meets the other’s eye.

 

“It’s not your fault.” Tao says firmly, determined gaze not letting Kris bow his head in shame. “No one is blaming you.”

 

“Joonmyun and Yixing.” Kris replies and Tao shakes his head.

 

“They’re just in shock right now. They haven’t known as long as I have. They could never hate you for something like this. We all get it, Kris. We understand what it’s like. You’re not alone, okay?” Tao continues stroking Kris’s face but he can see the wheels in Kris’s head turning.

 

“I just see no point in it… in being an idol.” Kris begins and Tao’s heart aches.

 

“Are you in the dark place?” Tao repeats his question from earlier and Kris slowly nods after a few moments. Tao adjusts himself to get comfortable on the chair they’ve both squeezed themselves into and takes Kris’s hand for support. Tao’s done this enough to know that Kris finds it comforting without being fussy.

 

“Can you tell me what you’re thinking about right now? What’s bothering you?” Tao knows many of the answers to this question but the gesture is more for Kris to open up rather than for Tao to guess what he’s feeling.

 

“I feel guilt. I feel guilty in doing this because I’m messing the group up. I’m messing our comeback up, I’m messing our concerts up, and I’m messing everyone’s future up. When I think about that, I feel this immense guilt and I hate myself for it. I don’t want to ruin everyone’s lives due to my decisions. I think about all the hard work that we all put in together and how I’m ending it. I think about how years from now we will be forgotten, everything that we worked for, everyone’s dreams, they will all be forgotten and I was the cause. I hate myself for it.” Kris’s voice wavers occasionally as a sob works through his body and he hyperventilates momentarily. The man’s eyes are red from crying and his skin is blotchy.

 

“It can’t end that easily.” Tao speaks after hesitation for a moment. It’s always difficult dealing with Kris when he is in the dark place because Kris is so good at rationalizing everything. When Kris gets in these moods, much of what he says makes sense. That’s what scares Tao.

 

“All of our hard work cannot be so easily undone. EXO is still the main cash crop for the label, they wouldn’t drop us so easily if we… if we were short a member. They’ll work around it just as they have before with other groups. No one’s life is going end from this. If worse does come to worse, you don’t think another label will sign everyone? We may not all be together but no one is going down without a fight. Your actions are not condemning us all.” Tao squeezes Kris’s hand three times and Kris squeezes once back in return.

 

“I just feel like shit.” Kris exhales heavily.

 

“Don’t think about what others think or what others are going to say. I’m worried about you, Kris. If you’re not happy, it’s not worth staying here. It’s not worth you being miserable.” Tao tries to reason with the elder.

 

“This isn’t living. I feel more like an animal than I do an idol. I can’t eat this, I can’t eat that, I can’t go anywhere without approval, everyone is constantly watching me like a caged display. I can’t say what I want, I can’t wear what I want, I can’t even fucking go home when I want to!” Kris starts to raise his voice towards the end and Tao scoots closer, concern etched into his features.

 

“I know, I know.” Tao tries to calm down Kris, as the dark haired man seems close to tears again. “I know that it’s hard. I want to go home all the time, you have no idea. There are so many days when the dorms feel like a jail cell and all I want to do is walk out the front door and never look back. But there are fun times too. Like the bonding we all do on the road, or our shopping dates, playing basketball by the Han, or that time we knocked on every door on the floor of that hotel. It’s lonely but we all have each other to rely on. We’re a family as cheesy as it sounds. We’re all going to be there for you.”

 

“Tao.” Kris reaches a hand to cradle the back of the younger’s neck. “I’m sorry.”

 

The apology sounds different this time and Tao’s heart sinks. He knows the words that are coming next. They are the words that Tao has been dreading for the past three months. They are the words that Tao wanted to pretend would never happen.

 

“I’m still going to file the lawsuit.”

 

Tao’s heart breaks and he can’t stop the tears that are running down his cheeks in rivers now. Tao has known this was coming, he had known for quite some time now. It all started over a year ago when Kris started going to the dark place more often. Kris had told Tao about his condition back during the trainee days but it almost seemed unfounded during their early debut days. Then the pressure had started to set in, the cliques of the group, the unequal treatment between the subgroups by management, the grueling schedules and physical demands on their bodies. It all had proven too much for Kris.

 

Tao had cried the first time over a year when Kris had told Tao he was seriously contemplating leaving the group. Nothing had been official back then but Kris had left for Canada to begin to discuss the legal matters with his parents. Tao had been hurt then and he didn’t understand. But when Kris had come back, Tao thought that everything would be fine. It was not. Despite Kris’s efforts, Tao saw every forced smile and hollow gaze. Kris had never really left the dark place to begin with. He was simply enduring it.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kris says again, gathering Tao in his arms to hug the younger man. Tao clenches his eyes shut and cries. He cries and cries and cries his soul out, clinging to Kris and never wanting to let go.

 

The packed bags in their shared room and Kris’s vacant half of the room were the hint but his words were the nail in the coffin. This is actually happening this time for real.

 

“Please,” Tao’s resolve breaks and his weakness comes through, “Don’t go. Don’t leave me. You’re my best friend.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Tao.” Kris buries his face in Tao’s hair and holds him, “I’m so sorry.”

 

Kris is leaving the dorms, he’s leaving the dorms and within the next few weeks he will be filing his case against the label. Tao didn’t want to believe that any of this occurring no matter how many times he and Kris had discussed the matter in private.

 

“You can’t leave me.” Tao is being selfish now, latching onto Kris, “You can’t go. What if I don’t… what if we don’t see each other again? Fuck, Kris.”

 

“Something like this won’t mean the end for us. I won’t let it. We’ll figure it out. I’m not going to be with you every waking moment but I’ll still be there for you when you need me.” Kris tries to comfort Tao, guilt washing over him again, as Tao comes apart in his arms.

 

“Please,” Tao struggles up and begins to pepper Kris’s face in small needy kisses, “Don’t.”

 

“Come here.” Is Kris’s response.

 

When Kris makes love to Tao that night, Tao cries the entire time. Despite the horrible aching that is ripping Tao’s heart apart, both are able to find completion. But it still does not make Tao happy. Tao tries to memorize every moment of it while also trying to black out from the world. He holds tight to Kris’s shoulders and only cries harder with each sweet whisper the elder had to offer. Kris speaks words of comfort, words of hope for the future, words of deep love that he would not normally express even in the most tender of occasions between the two. They are best friends at the heart of it but some time ago the threshold into physical contact had been crossed. The pair does not think of themselves as lovers but they are well aware that their bond is an incredibly strong one.

 

And so Tao cries. He cries and watches as the man he’s relied on this whole hellish experience of idol life moves above him, knowing full well this might never happen again. He cries for every memory they’ve ever shared and every memory that is being stolen from them in the future. He cries out of hate for Kris but also immense love and wanting Kris to be happy. Tao cries until his throat his raw.

 

Above him, Kris is crying as well. He is silent in his sadness, trying his best to keep his emotions bottled as he always does. Tao has always been the more emotional between the two and Kris feels like he’s murdering Tao with how much the boy is sobbing beneath him. He tries to chase away those feelings by holding Tao tighter, telling him how much Tao means to him, praising Tao for always being there for him and for being his pillar through these years.

 

When they are done, neither has the energy to cry anymore. Kris holds an exhausted Tao in his arms and the younger, despite his struggle to remain awake and not miss a moment, soon is overcome by sleep. Kris stays awake all night thinking over the past, present, and future.

 

The next morning, in the early hours before the other members are awake, Kris jostles Tao awake. It’s finally time. Kris’s ride awaits downstairs just as his mother and lawyer await at a hotel across town.

 

Tao helps Kris move his belongings out into the waiting vehicle, but when it is time to go, Tao clings tight.

 

“I love you.” Tao frantically brings their mouths together, not caring who might see.

 

“Tao.” Kris breaks from him and lovingly caresses his face, “This isn’t goodbye.”

 

“Promise me.” Tao begs, pressing closer and clinging tighter, but Kris pulls back.

 

The farewell can only last so long and soon Kris is piling into the cab, giving the driver instructions and not caring as the cab driver gives Tao and him strange looks. The door is shut and Kris is pivoting in his seat to look out the back window to the sad boy standing on the curb. Tao does not wave, he simply stands there with tears in his eyes and watches the happiness he has known fade away before his eyes.

 

When the cab is finally almost out of sight, Tao tries to gather himself to head back into the dorm. Just as he’s about to enter the dorm, Tao’s phone lights up. A smile comes to Tao's face, he expects it to be Kris, only for his expression to fade when he sees it's simply Sehun asking to go to lunch.

 

Tao whirls around and strains to see the cab in the distance. It's useless. The vehicle and its occupant are long gone by now. Tao cannot help the feeling of dread that washes over him in that moment.

 

For all Kris's talk, Tao thinks, this sure does feel like a goodbye.


End file.
